Posts Tagged ‘ failure ’

why haven’t i been blogging?

shit hasn’t been going well so i’ll do my best to explain.  the past few months have been hell and as it’s looking right now, this business is going to flop.  we finally got rid of the stupid fucking moron that was dragging us down by not performing his duties and we found someone who was really good to replace him.  the bigger problem now is that the company we partnered up with who is supposed to be handling all of the backend work appears to have no prior knowledge or experience in doing so, even though they gave the impression they’ve been doing it for a long time.

naturally one would think, “we’ll if they can’t do it, find someone else,” and that’s what we’ve been trying to do for the last month.  the problem is that this is such a new concept that there is no one out there capable of doing it.  we found 1 guy that can, but the commissions he pays are so low that it just isnt a viable business if we refer to him, so we are stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.

as it stands, we are pulling the plug at the end of this month and over 100k of commissions are going down the toliet.  this is one of those things that there is a huge market for and the concept makes perfect sense; but no one has broken through yet.  once someone does, the flood gates will open in terms of earnings and profitability but who knows when that will be.

i was forced to take a job because my original work from home employement laid me off.  my new employement is business to business sales for commercial collections and i fucking hate it with a passion.  not to mention that the money is absolutely fucking horrible.  i barely make enough to cover my monthly living expenses so i’m unable to get “ahead” working there.  the last several months i’ve just been existing and wondering why every business i start ultimately seems to fail.  it just keeps happening over and over again and i don’t know how much more of this shit i can take.

goals haven’t been updated because i have no fucking clue what i’m going to do that this point.  its hard to have goals when your life is in limbo as mine has been the last couple of months.  once we officially pull the plug i’m going to have to see what else i can do as a side business to try and earn a living because my current employement isnt going to cut it.

its incredible that when i started this blog i thought i would posting about my success and how i achieved it, and this would all happen shortly after it’s inception.  Instead what i’ve really got is a 2 year journal of my repeated failures and ongoing depression as a result.

i really dont know what the fuck i’m going to do.

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Slept the best I have in months!

Last night, for the first time I can remember, I was not stressed at all, I slept like a baby, and I woke up feeling great.

Instead of worrying what I’m going to do about leads and generating sales, I’m focusing all of my energy on this marketing partnership and getting it up and running as soon as possible.  The way I figure it, I can’t afford leads anymore so there is no point in stressing on something I can’t do anything about; instead I’m better off focusing that energy on generating my own leads and blowing this shit up.

It’s almost like I’ve been revitalized 100%, instead of dragging along being depressed as fuck wondering what I’m going to do.  Now I know what I’m going to do so it’s just a matter of putting it into execution.

It’s looking like the meeting has been rescheduled for Tuesday but it’s not definite yet.  After we sit down and talk, I’m going to have a much better idea as far as what a realistic expectation is for the amount of leads we can generate and how long it will take.

I can build an entire sales office overnight if the leads are good and they start to flow in at a decent pace.  All I would need to do is take the leads for a few weeks on my own to confirm that they are quality, then it’s all a matter of hiring sales guys and getting them on the phone.

It’s seems simple enough but I know it will take time and be more complicated then I’m describing, but I’m very optimistic about this.  These fucking lead companies try and make you believe that generating your own leads is hard and it costs a lot of money and all this other bullshit.  I think there is some truth to what they are saying, but for the most part they are feeding you a line of shit because they want you to buy leads from them!  They don’t want you to take the initiative to generate your own, if all the companies did that, it would put them out of business!  Not to mention, they are notorious for selling you an “exclusive” lead that they then sell to 3 other companies.  If I’m generating my own, I know I’m the only company getting them and no one else.

At the end of the day it comes down to being able to control your own fate and not relying/depending on someone else for your success or failure.  I’ve been doing way too much of that lately and it simply isn’t going to go down like that.  When something isn’t working you need to take control and try something else.  Before I would try a company, they would suck, so I would try another, they would suck, and so on…  It’s a pattern setup for fucking failure and there is no way you can expect to succeed doing that shit.

So now I’m not even fucking with that shit anymore and in the long run it will make my company that much stronger and that much more valuable.  Imagine having a multimillion dollar sales force and all of a sudden your lead sources go to shit and you have 30 guys sitting around with nothing to do?!  It’s happened to me in the past when I was manager for my previous employer.  Our head of marketing fucked up our leads for a few months and production literally tanked.  Morale was shit, and everyone was pissed; it was not a good situation.  And while all these commission only employees are sitting around, the head of marketing is scrambling throwing his money at any lead provider to hopefully find a “good one” again.  FUCK THAT!  With this marketing initiative I’ll never be in that position.  The things these sales companies don’t really seem to understand is that the lead companies they buy leads from have the power to literally sink their fuckin company overnight.

Anyways, enough of that; I’m off to the gym.

Remember tomorrow is father’s day, if you aren’t hangin out with your pops, make sure to give him a call.  Lates.

I had an interesting revelation yesterday

I was at the gym and after I finished lifting weights I hopped on the treadmill to do some cardio.  I fucking hate cardio because I’ve always considered myself more of a strength athlete, however lately I’ve been enjoying it more than usual.  It’s good to just throw on your iPod and zone out and think about shit.

So I’m there doing my cardio, obviously thinking about work(what else is new right?) and I started thinking about every previous job I had prior to starting my own company.  There was a common trait amongst all of my previous jobs that I never really noticed until now.  At every single job I busted my ass for my boss and for the owner of the company.  For whatever reason, I had this huge drive to make them believe and feel that I was a great employee and that they made the right decision by hiring me and giving me a chance.  It’s almost as if I put their interests ahead of mine own.

Now its hard for me to say whether or not that same attitude carries over being that I’m self employed because I really don’t have work to do.  I have this amazing drive/work ethic and I’m sitting around on my ass all day.  It’s such a damn waste.

But then I started thinking about my own self esteem and the issues I have with becoming successful.  I think this is somewhat the route of the problem of everything that I’m dealing with right now.  Subconsciously I feel as though I’m not worthy of wealth, and whether I’m aware of it or not, I sabotage myself so that I fail.  Deep down inside I don’t feel as though I should have the money, nice things, and financial freedom.  Deep down inside I feel like I’m a fucking failure.  I was in the past, and I will be in the future.

I’m a firm believer that wealth is a state of mind, so how the fuck can I expect to achieve wealth when my subconscious state of mind is setup for mediocrity and misery?

I really need to get a hold of these self-esteem and depression issues if I ever expect to become successful because it will never happen if I don’t.

I’ve posted on here in the past that I really do think as though I’m supposed to be successful and wealthy.  However what I’m trying to say is that although I might convey that feeling and emotion externally, internally there is a civil war going on.  Optimism verses pessimism, positive verses negative, and success verses failure.

I’m too afraid to honestly say which side I think is winning right now.

Starting to freak out a bit

Still no leads, and when I emailed my lead guy yesterday to find out what the fucking deal was he told me it could take upwards of 3-4 days before the leads start flowing in from the platform they put up on Tuesday.  I love how he fucking tells me that shit afterwards instead of upfront.

The way it’s looking, I’m willing to bet these things won’t start until next Monday which means the first 2 weeks of June were a complete waste of time.  So naturally I’m starting to fucking freak out a bit.  The entire month of May, not ONE deal, and I’m already 2 weeks into June without shit.

If these fucking leads convert and I can get some funding, I can save this business.  Without both of those pieces being in place it’s fucking over and I’ll have to close my doors.

I really don’t know how I can ask for help from my business partner when the last 6 weeks of business I have not brought in a single deal.  It doesn’t look good at all.  If I start getting these internet leads soon and closing them, it will help, but at this point in time I don’t know if that will be enough to convince him that I can succeed.  It’s been over a year and things haven’t gone to well.

Yesterday I ran some errands with him and helped him out with some shit at his house, other then that my actual time at the office was worthless.  It looks like its going to be the same shit today as well.

I know everyone in this office is expecting me to fail.  I can feel it in their eyes when they look at me, talk to me, everything.  It breaks my fucking heart because I want to succeed so badly, not just for me but for them.  I want to show them all that partnering up with me was the right decision.

I really don’t know what I’m going to do and I can just tell I’m not going to get any leads this week.  I’m so fucking pissed off at my lead provider for not being upfront about this shit from the get go.  I have a feeling that the excuses he’s giving me are somewhat bullshit, and for whatever reason things were delayed and he doesn’t want me to know the real reason why.

If these leads don’t convert, it’s fucking over.  If they do convert but I can’t get some financial backing, it’s over.

It’s just not looking good.

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