Posts Tagged ‘ depression ’

why haven’t i been blogging?

shit hasn’t been going well so i’ll do my best to explain.  the past few months have been hell and as it’s looking right now, this business is going to flop.  we finally got rid of the stupid fucking moron that was dragging us down by not performing his duties and we found someone who was really good to replace him.  the bigger problem now is that the company we partnered up with who is supposed to be handling all of the backend work appears to have no prior knowledge or experience in doing so, even though they gave the impression they’ve been doing it for a long time.

naturally one would think, “we’ll if they can’t do it, find someone else,” and that’s what we’ve been trying to do for the last month.  the problem is that this is such a new concept that there is no one out there capable of doing it.  we found 1 guy that can, but the commissions he pays are so low that it just isnt a viable business if we refer to him, so we are stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.

as it stands, we are pulling the plug at the end of this month and over 100k of commissions are going down the toliet.  this is one of those things that there is a huge market for and the concept makes perfect sense; but no one has broken through yet.  once someone does, the flood gates will open in terms of earnings and profitability but who knows when that will be.

i was forced to take a job because my original work from home employement laid me off.  my new employement is business to business sales for commercial collections and i fucking hate it with a passion.  not to mention that the money is absolutely fucking horrible.  i barely make enough to cover my monthly living expenses so i’m unable to get “ahead” working there.  the last several months i’ve just been existing and wondering why every business i start ultimately seems to fail.  it just keeps happening over and over again and i don’t know how much more of this shit i can take.

goals haven’t been updated because i have no fucking clue what i’m going to do that this point.  its hard to have goals when your life is in limbo as mine has been the last couple of months.  once we officially pull the plug i’m going to have to see what else i can do as a side business to try and earn a living because my current employement isnt going to cut it.

its incredible that when i started this blog i thought i would posting about my success and how i achieved it, and this would all happen shortly after it’s inception.  Instead what i’ve really got is a 2 year journal of my repeated failures and ongoing depression as a result.

i really dont know what the fuck i’m going to do.

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Sittin here drinkin a beer listening to Eminem’s new song – Not afraid

Go download that shit because Eminem shows why he’s one of the best.  Glad to see he kicked his bad habits and plans on taking over the hip hop game again.  Song is dope, and it definitely makes you think about shit.  Life, death, everything…

So Monday the leads start, and Tuesday is the party at my business partner’s house.  This past week sucked fucking ass but it’s over.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t stressin’.  I’m actually starting to get kind of freaked out because this shit has to work; it fucking has too, and I don’t know if it will work without my business partners help.  From the limited conversations I’ve had with him thus far, I’m not sure if he’s going to go for it, and I’d hate to put him in an awkward position asking, but I’m not going to ask or say anything until after I’ve been taking these new leads for awhile and can see that they convert.  I’m sure after I start converting them, it will be much easier for me to negotiate.

It’s amazing how fast time fly’s in business and just life in general.  This time last year I was sweating my balls off putting together desks and chairs for an office that didn’t have the air conditioning turned on yet.  I also thought that I’d already have several employees on the phone with me and I’d be making around 50k a month at this point.  It’s unfucking believable how wrong I was.

I want this thing to set me up for the rest of my life.  The money I earn from this I want to be able to retire off of.  I want to be able to travel, buy my dream home, and be able to live comfortably without having to worry about bills for the rest of my life.  Being broke fucking sucks, and I’m sick and tired of this shit.

So Monday is the start of a new beginning for me.  I’m sure it will take a few days for me to be able to tell if the leads are the real deal or not, but the first day will shed a lot of light on everything.  My lead guy, after apologizing for the delay with the delivery, said that from what the other companies are converting them at, it will be worth the wait.  It fucking better.

I’m fighting the urge/need to get fucking trashed tonight.  I’ve been drinking a lot lately and it’s all because I’m not happy with the way shit has been going.  Drinking when you are not happy is probably the worst thing you can fucking do.  I want to drink out of celebration not depression, but I have nothing to celebrate; yet.

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