How much of life do you control and how much is destiny and/or fate? Self-reflecting on my uncle’s suicide…

This is probably going to be a long rambling post but who gives a damn.  It’s my blog and I can write whatever I want.

The conference call yesterday really didn’t go well and it basically brought to light everything that’s wrong with this current real estate deal we are trying to get done and this investor we are working with.  My business partner was so upset after the call that he wouldn’t even talk to me.  Instead he said he needed to clear his head and we would talk in the morning.

I went to the bar last night and had a couple of drinks by myself because I just needed some alone time to think about things and what I’m going to do.  It was the shittiest I’ve felt in a long time.

I just got off of the phone with my business partner about 15 minutes ago, and we decided what we are going to do.  Essentially we are going to make a proposal to this investor, given all of the criteria he provided us with.  We are going to propose that he sign a joint venture with us directly and we will send the business through our associate.  After our conference call yesterday, it does not seem as though handing him off to her is going to work so we are going to have to get creative.

There is 1 sticking point that I’m not sure if we are going to be able to get around.  If we can’t negotiate around it, the deal is dead in the water.  Not only that, but the investor has not given us the information we’ve been asking for the last 3 weeks.  One can’t help but think that even if we verbally agree to a deal, will he ever get the paperwork drafted?  If he can’t send a simple email, how can we expect him to send a contract?

All of these things create obvious problems and there is not much we can do about them.  As of right now, we are planning on emailing him a proposal(most likely before the end of the week) and then calling him on Monday to see what his thoughts are if he doesn’t reply to the email with a definite “yes” or “no.”

This entire situation really began to upset me on a deeper level because I began thinking about every business venture I’ve been involved with over the past 6 years and it seems everything I touch turns to shit.  Not 1 of these businesses flourished and upon deeper reflection I started wondering how much of my success/life is within my control and how much is just a matter of destiny/fate or good luck?

I’ve always felt strongly about; “your fate is what you make,” but there are obviously things that happen that are beyond your control and there is nothing you can do about it.  Let’s say hypothetically that you are in control of 95% of your life.  The 5% that you are not in control of, even though it’s miniscule, is the most important percentage.  It’s the piece that makes the investor say “yes;” that makes you randomly bump into your next business partner whom makes you extremely successful; that simply provides you with tons of sales while other businesses doing the same thing flounder and die.

That 5% is more important than the 95% that you control.

This essence of not having control is what really bothered me because I can do everything in my power and work my ass off toward a goal but at the end of the day that goal might not happen due to something completely beyond my abilities.  What if the invest says, “lets do a deal,” then dies in a plane crash tomorrow?

I’ve made numerous posts about the importance of this whole aspect in one’s life.  The ability to determine what you want from life, to make a plan of action, to take control, and to achieve it.  After our conversation last night my confidence was destroyed.

I’m not sure if I ever mentioned on my blog, but my uncle committed suicide in 2005, my last year at college.  For whatever reason, while I was wallowing in misery last night, I began thinking about him and it finally hit me like a ton of bricks.

He took his own life because it was his choice, his control, and for whatever reason the things that led up to that point; the years of depression and sadness he probably felt were unavoidable.  A lot of the things he probably could have avoided, but like I mentioned earlier that 5% that he was unable to avoid happened to be the most important part of his life and eventually it drove him over the edge.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself; I feel that’s a waste of time and energy.  I think I would just like for something good to happen that I was not in control of to show me that I deserve everything I’m working towards and that my time to live the life I’ve always dreamed of, is now.  I cannot fathom the thought of living the next 6 years of my life the same way I’ve lived the previous; it’s been hell.

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